I was talking with someone a few days ago about whom we confide in. I realized that I confide in very few people. That may not be surprise a to many — perhaps your lists are very short as well — but I was actually surprised to realize that I don’t confide in many of my close friends.
During our conversation, I realized that I confide in only one of my closest friends and my family. That’s it.
This discovery made me ask: “Why? Why do I confide in so few people?” I thought about this at the time (and sometimes since) and I’ve realized that the people whom I confide in possess two qualities — loyalty and being a good listener.
For me, loyalty is trust. If I tell you something in confidence — almost anything — the expectation is that you’ll keep it to yourself.
When I want someone else’s perspective regarding an issue in my life — personal or professional — I inevitably go to the same people whom I confide in. While loyalty may play an important role here, I also really care about getting useful results. And I think someone who’s able to provide that has to be a good listener.
A good listener doesn’t tell you what to do. A good listener has a natural curiosity in exploring and hopefully discovering the best solution to your issue or problem, with you, not for you. They do this by actively listening to what you’re saying. They do this by asking intelligent questions. They do this by showing you the different paths to different doors, rather than telling you what door to open. They’re able (as much as humanely possible) to separate their own personal biases and opinions regarding your issue, in order to give your issue the individual attention, care, and objectivity that it needs.
In my experiences, loyal people who are also good listeners are rare.
Perhaps that’s why we confide in so few people.